I remember back after I got bailed out and moved out, before this jail madness started, I lived alone and there seemed no where to go with strange thoughts enveloping me. Not heavily medicated at that time, I remember thinking then ….
…. my grief is so difficult to bear and I know others see it too. I do not want to be alone. I do not want to be with people. I do not want to be with anyone. I am afraid. If I am with other people they will know my shame. I do not want their pity. I do not want the questions. I did wrong. I deserve anything I get. I do not want to be with anyone. I do not want to be alone because the darkness comes. I try not to face it but it is there. I am afraid. I am afraid I will welcome it this time. Drive into that semi. I am afraid I will not be able to not enter the darkness. I am afraid to be alone lest I succumb to that shame and humiliation that I caused.
I hide in the darkness wishing it would take me. At least then it would end. Not being with people. Not being alone. Not being with anyone. It would be still and dark and painless. No more grief or tears or shouts or rampages. No more pretending or secrets. No more emptiness or indecision. Just calmness. Silence. It is too loud with others. Too quiet alone. I do not want to be with people and I do not want to be alone.
Nothing makes sense anymore. I cannot read. Words are a blur. I try to work and do “normal” things but do not succeed. Everything is a blur. Nothing matters. It is all gone, ruined. I did this, which makes it worse. I was the selfish one. Soon the judge will bang his gavel and announce the verdict: Guilty. Then what? I cannot even think of what I don’t know. Nothing seems real.
But it doesn’t matter now. Nothing does. End it. Something quick. If I was with people I wouldn’t do it.
But I cannot be with people. They know. They look at me and they know. They are as disgusted with me as I am. I cannot be with anyone. There is nowhere to go. Somehow I went on.
And now here I am locked away and still nowhere to go.